Without going into specifics (if you know, you know), I'm beyond the naive next-year-will-be-better hope. Instead, I'm going into 2015 with a I-will-be-stronger mentality. Because things won't get better but I shall face the obstacles with a more positive attitude and get through those challenges to emerge stronger. There will be lots, undoubtedly, but here are the three biggies I need to steel myself for.
Dealing with loss
Bielet very innocently asked me "why so many people go to heaven?" As we grow older, we will have to cope with loss. I don't think anyone really knows how to deal with it, we just scrape by in a dazed manner. And no, whether a passing is unexpected or not, there's no lessening the blow or enormous sense of loss that is felt. God works in mysterious ways and some day, we'll know why he called our loved ones back before we had enough time with them all to ourselves. But, instead of dwelling on the pain, I will think back of the happy times we spent together and all the laughter we shared. There will be tears and heartache and sorrow, make no mistake; but it will be wrapped with sweet memories and renewed hope for our eventual meeting in heaven.
Making time for those who matter
We all have tonnes on our plate, but I think I took on so much more than I could swallow this year. Result? I had less time for those who mean the world to me. My family and friends had to put up with my increasingly bad temper and black face. Instead of trying to work on my freelance writing and sport blog, I've decided I will be a more present wife, mum, daughter, granddaughter, sister, cousin and friend. The writing and blogging is a nice respite away from the messy home and screaming kids, but when it becomes a burden and the cause for my grouchiness ("Mama can't read that book to you now because I'm rushing my story"), it's too much. I initially thought it was a result of my poor time management, but ZX pointed out that I really can't do everything. I'll continue where I can, but I won't kill myself doing it anymore. That, and because I have finally given myself a deadline: I will rejoin the workforce in three years - I hope I'll be able to find a proper job then, given I would have been MIA for six years by then, but that's another problem for another time. It's time to appreciate my loved ones and not take them for granted anymore.
Be less guilty for making myself happy
Oh yes, story of my life. I'm no saint but I find myself bending over backwards for others that frankly, really don't matter. There are times I keep trying to schedule meetups with others but it doesn't happen because 1) the other party doesn't give a crap about me or my kids, 2) isn't the first reason not good (bad) enough?! So yes, I'm not going to grovel (never have actually, just being dramatic for the sake of it) for lunches or dinners with people who claim to be friends. If you're a good friend seeing this and thinking I'm talking about you, I'm not. I make exceptions for good friends because of course, you make me happy. But the most challenging one of them all, is actually making myself happy by myself - meaning *shock horror* sans the girls. I feel bad for 'dumping' the girls on others but I guess we need our couple time too, hee. (As I blog, ZX and I have grand plans for our first couple holiday lol.) Making myself happy alone also means just zen-ing out and reading a book, or having a nice, relaxing swim without having to make sure the kids' heads are above water, or being a fangirl with my girlfriends (HELLO JAY CHOU & BRUNO MARS).
I'm not always optimistic or bubbly or happy or positive but I will try my best to be. BRING ON 2015 RAWR
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